“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I already tried new things thanks.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“TGIM!” – My liver
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.