The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.