DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun