Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
same energy
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning