I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Camping tip: No.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”