I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
S O O N
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.