Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
True
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.