Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention