[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature