Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
are they though??
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Many hands make light work
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass