[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”