i think we should see other cousins
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
and now we wait
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?