Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.