My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Does this dress make me look cat?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
estão todos miauvindo?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today