I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?