It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.