Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.