“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.