We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.