doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
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me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human