Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
was Jim off killing horses or…
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
hi why am I like this
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.