Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Still a very good boi….
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.