Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
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Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”