Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm