Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin