I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.