I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
multitasking lunch
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies