Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.