ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed