“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Never mess with a drunken pig.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Florida be like…
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?