I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter