Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.