“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
🤣🤣🤣
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
When you’re here for the treats.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.