[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Just ordered me some pizza!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married