[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever