“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
This is sending me to another galaxy
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.