Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there