[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
the #horror is real!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good