Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”