[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
i actually laughed 😩
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.