when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”