Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
The Birdles
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.