Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights