I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
my mind
You just read my mind
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I love the National Park Service.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Don’t talk down to me
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.