Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
When I laugh on my period
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.