Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
You Might Also Like
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie