How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.