April 1st is the class clown of days.
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?