i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
$3 #books
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”