Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
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When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
any last words?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE